First of all Happy New Year! Now I'm not sure about you guys but for me the start of a new year is a time of stress and existential crisis and there are always a few anxiety ridden thoughts that plague the weeks between December and February...
"A whole year has passed and what have I accomplished?"
"I can't even remember what my resolutions were"
...and, more specific to this year
"Fuck, gap year's over, what the hell do I do now?"
If you were with me this time last year you'll remember that 2014 was all about my magical journey of self discovery and the search for my true passion and direction in life. Well it turns out that just because you tell yourself you're going to have everything figured out within the next twelve months doesn't make it any easier. I think I'm slowly beginning to realise that self discovery is really a never ending process and questioning every decision you make is probably going to be a permanent thing. I guess nobody ever really has it all figured out and all you can do is make choices that you can be happy with. So that's a pretty good segue into the announcement of the first decision I made in 2015 - I'm not heading to university this year. Maybe ever. For a girl who was always brought up with the idea that life went school - uni - job that's a pretty scary thing to admit. However that decision has been the only thing able to settle my stomach since the new year began. It wasn't an easy choice to make but before I get into that I want to reflect a little on my past year.
2014 was my first year out of school and while on paper I didn't do a lot it was actually a pretty significant year for me. Of course I had ups and downs but last year was the most emotionally/mentally stable I've been in a while. Like, I was actually pretty happy for the majority. It was definitely a year of narrowing down my friends and figuring out how to accept many people into my life while remaining close with a selected few. A pretty big achievement for me was maintaining a close bond with a couple of high school friends and developing a second close group through work. I turned 18, learned the art of partying (as well as really valuable things like being safe and knowing my limits). I opened myself up to different ways of thinking and tried to incorporate more spirituality into my life. I learned a lot about self confidence, body positivity, feminism and self-assurance as well as being supportive and accepting of others. I can't look back on last year and say I made any huge steps forward in the course of my life but in terms of personal growth 2014 was unparalleled (so far at least).
So what's next? First of all - stop incessantly questioning "what's next?" It never results in any solid answers and accomplishes nothing but a peak in anxiety. Obviously I do have to have some sort of idea of what's happening in the future though so here are my goals:
1. Get my bloody licence already.
2. Get a vehicle so I can put my licence to use.
3. Move into management at my current job or find somewhere with management prospects or some kind of path for progression.
4. Save some money. Seriously. No I mean it this time.
5. Stay happy. Continue to make cool memories with friends. Have some fun.
Because at the end of the day all of this career bullshit is essentially a means to allow us to enjoy life and if our job is preventing us from doing that then what are we really working for?
Sunday, 4 January 2015
Tuesday, 19 August 2014
Oops
Okay so I'm bad at this. We get it. To avoid a repetitive and redundant apology becoming the start of every post I'm just going to go ahead and make one apology for my poor commitment in the future and be done with it. I am sorry. Now, moving on.
So in my last post I mentioned getting a full time job at a call centre. Well it turns out that a call centre is not the most promising work environment for someone with social anxiety triggered by talking on the phone. Not quite sure how I didn't see that coming but anyway the call centre thing lasted for the two days of unpaid training and no more. I did manage to pick up another full time job a couple of weeks later in an office which was slightly more successful - that one lasted about three weeks. The thing is I realised something. I am seventeen. I am on a gap year. I am going back to uni. It is okay to have a part time job in fast food. It's okay to be where I am. I need to stop fighting it and actually realise how good I've got it. This is supposed to be my party year. I have a whole year of freedom before returning to a life of study and work and study and work. Why in the world would I waste that on some boring full time job that I don't care about and will ultimately get me nowhere closer to my desired career?
I am a person who finds comfort in the idea of working toward something. Throughout school I was always working for that magical OP and that magical university course. Well I achieved that and now I feel like my life is kind of on pause because there's nothing to focus on at the moment. But just because I don't have some kind of academic or career based goal doesn't mean I can't be doing anything meaningful. I want to have fun and spend time with friends and make a few memories and maybe even figure myself out a little more. But at the same time I need to stop picturing my life as a delicately edited montage with Edward Sharpe playing in the background. The obsession with film I've always had has left me with creativity but certainly with unrealistic expectations of life as well. That does't mean life can't be great, I sure as hell want more depth and complexity than a 40 second montage, it just might not have the same twinkle.
So in my last post I mentioned getting a full time job at a call centre. Well it turns out that a call centre is not the most promising work environment for someone with social anxiety triggered by talking on the phone. Not quite sure how I didn't see that coming but anyway the call centre thing lasted for the two days of unpaid training and no more. I did manage to pick up another full time job a couple of weeks later in an office which was slightly more successful - that one lasted about three weeks. The thing is I realised something. I am seventeen. I am on a gap year. I am going back to uni. It is okay to have a part time job in fast food. It's okay to be where I am. I need to stop fighting it and actually realise how good I've got it. This is supposed to be my party year. I have a whole year of freedom before returning to a life of study and work and study and work. Why in the world would I waste that on some boring full time job that I don't care about and will ultimately get me nowhere closer to my desired career?
I am a person who finds comfort in the idea of working toward something. Throughout school I was always working for that magical OP and that magical university course. Well I achieved that and now I feel like my life is kind of on pause because there's nothing to focus on at the moment. But just because I don't have some kind of academic or career based goal doesn't mean I can't be doing anything meaningful. I want to have fun and spend time with friends and make a few memories and maybe even figure myself out a little more. But at the same time I need to stop picturing my life as a delicately edited montage with Edward Sharpe playing in the background. The obsession with film I've always had has left me with creativity but certainly with unrealistic expectations of life as well. That does't mean life can't be great, I sure as hell want more depth and complexity than a 40 second montage, it just might not have the same twinkle.
Thursday, 26 June 2014
Update
Hi, hello, how are you?
Okay so it's been a while. I took a break from, well everything, this blog included. However now I am back and ready to put some real effort into this (please don't quote me on that, I'll do my best). So where were we before my unplanned leave of absence? The gap year. My many promises to fill this year with wonderful, spiritual, intellectual moments of self discovery... yeah. Turns out my life is not an indie film and those experiences don't grow on trees. So I've given myself a reality check but the pursuit hasn't been a complete failure. Let's talk about the few things I have accomplished since last time:
1. Travel.
Okay so I didn't exactly go backpacking around Europe but I did get the chance to go to Melbourne for ten days. While it wasn't very "Eat, Pray, Love" it was a necessary break from the claustrophobia of home. I stayed with my cousin and did a lot of cooking, relaxing, and coffee drinking. I took time to myself during the week, exploring all the beautifully unique nooks and crannies of Melbourne city. Then on the weekends I had a little family time, getting in touch with the best of the city's nature and retail. I got the space I was craving and a reminder of my often overlooked love of home - sometimes feeling a little homesick is exactly what you need.
2. Work.
In my last post I mentioned wanting to really crack down with work and earn some money. While there were a few bumps in the road - my workplace being closed for renovations and being transferred somewhere with a lot less hours - I have managed to land myself a full-time job for the rest of the year. After returning home from Melbourne in late May I applied for about fifty jobs - no joke - and just when I was starting to feel super discouraged I got that lucky email. So I'm all set to start my new job at a call centre next week and am excited for a fresh work environment and hopefully a fresh cash flow too.
3. Friends.
So here's the soppy one. While I thought I was more than happy with the friends I had at the start of this year some things weren't quite right. Over the past few months I have managed to become much closer with those who really enrich my life and create some space with those who detract from it. I'm happy with the few close friends I have and am comforted knowing there is a wider selection of people I can still call friends, even if I only see them once a month or so.
I think we're all up to date now. So what's next for this blog? To be honest, I don't have much of a plan. I think I'm just going make it up along the way and post anything I feel is worth talking about, whether that's food, fashion, beauty or just more rambling about life. Maybe I just like to talk about myself, who knows? Either way I hope you stick with me.
Okay so it's been a while. I took a break from, well everything, this blog included. However now I am back and ready to put some real effort into this (please don't quote me on that, I'll do my best). So where were we before my unplanned leave of absence? The gap year. My many promises to fill this year with wonderful, spiritual, intellectual moments of self discovery... yeah. Turns out my life is not an indie film and those experiences don't grow on trees. So I've given myself a reality check but the pursuit hasn't been a complete failure. Let's talk about the few things I have accomplished since last time:
1. Travel.
Okay so I didn't exactly go backpacking around Europe but I did get the chance to go to Melbourne for ten days. While it wasn't very "Eat, Pray, Love" it was a necessary break from the claustrophobia of home. I stayed with my cousin and did a lot of cooking, relaxing, and coffee drinking. I took time to myself during the week, exploring all the beautifully unique nooks and crannies of Melbourne city. Then on the weekends I had a little family time, getting in touch with the best of the city's nature and retail. I got the space I was craving and a reminder of my often overlooked love of home - sometimes feeling a little homesick is exactly what you need.
2. Work.
In my last post I mentioned wanting to really crack down with work and earn some money. While there were a few bumps in the road - my workplace being closed for renovations and being transferred somewhere with a lot less hours - I have managed to land myself a full-time job for the rest of the year. After returning home from Melbourne in late May I applied for about fifty jobs - no joke - and just when I was starting to feel super discouraged I got that lucky email. So I'm all set to start my new job at a call centre next week and am excited for a fresh work environment and hopefully a fresh cash flow too.
3. Friends.
So here's the soppy one. While I thought I was more than happy with the friends I had at the start of this year some things weren't quite right. Over the past few months I have managed to become much closer with those who really enrich my life and create some space with those who detract from it. I'm happy with the few close friends I have and am comforted knowing there is a wider selection of people I can still call friends, even if I only see them once a month or so.
I think we're all up to date now. So what's next for this blog? To be honest, I don't have much of a plan. I think I'm just going make it up along the way and post anything I feel is worth talking about, whether that's food, fashion, beauty or just more rambling about life. Maybe I just like to talk about myself, who knows? Either way I hope you stick with me.
Friday, 7 March 2014
The Gap
So it turns out my 6 month deferment has kind of turned into a gap year, at least that's the plan for now. The hope is to fill this year with as many enriching experiences as possible that ideally link in some way to what I want to do in the future. Of course it will also be filled with a substantial amount of work because I need that young money. Overall I'm feeling pretty good about this. I set out to keep this blog as something of a diary for my transition into university life and 'adulthood' but I am learning that adulthood comes in many shapes and forms. As long as I'm learning and I'm doing things that feel right I'm content for now - after all, what more can I really ask for?
Friday, 28 February 2014
Doubts
Okay so it's been about two weeks and a lot has changed. Basically, since my last post I've completed both orientation week and week 1 of uni. While it's been nice to have structure and to feel like I'm using my brain again, and it's refreshing to be around so many new people, I'm starting to feel like what I'm doing just isn't right for me. I mean law? What kind of person commits to a near six year law degree when they have no intention nor desire to become a lawyer? Well, it turns out I'm that kind of person and it needs to stop. So these two weeks have not been a complete waste, I did figure out that I no longer want to study law. But what do I want to study?
I must admit that I have been enjoying the Creative Industries half of my double degree, especially my drama subject. I am almost certain that I want to be in the theatre/film industry, however almost is not quite good enough for me. I suppose I've had somewhat of an epiphany. It took a little while for this thought to form in my head but basically it was this: Why am I sacrificing my time, money, and emotional stability for something I know I don't want instead of figuring out what I actually do want? Groundbreaking stuff I know. You would think this thought would have come to me a lot sooner. But nevertheless it has come and fortunately before the census date.
So here's the plan: I'm going to defer for six months, work, play, see what kind of theatre/drama stuff I can experiment with and go from there. This is the only option I have thought of that has given me some piece of mind so I'm hoping that's a good sign.
One piece of advice for anyone out there who is trying to figure out what they want to do with their lives - don't do something simply because you can. It may feel really cool and impressive to tell people you're doing some really prestigious course but how much cooler would it be to tell people that you are following your dreams and are the happiest you've ever been? Don't fall into the OP trap - just because you got a 1 doesn't mean you have to do medicine. Be the person who gets a 1 and does dance or photography or game design. It doesn't matter what it is, just make sure it's something you want, and if you don't know what you want then definitely figure it out before diving into a law degree.
I must admit that I have been enjoying the Creative Industries half of my double degree, especially my drama subject. I am almost certain that I want to be in the theatre/film industry, however almost is not quite good enough for me. I suppose I've had somewhat of an epiphany. It took a little while for this thought to form in my head but basically it was this: Why am I sacrificing my time, money, and emotional stability for something I know I don't want instead of figuring out what I actually do want? Groundbreaking stuff I know. You would think this thought would have come to me a lot sooner. But nevertheless it has come and fortunately before the census date.
So here's the plan: I'm going to defer for six months, work, play, see what kind of theatre/drama stuff I can experiment with and go from there. This is the only option I have thought of that has given me some piece of mind so I'm hoping that's a good sign.
One piece of advice for anyone out there who is trying to figure out what they want to do with their lives - don't do something simply because you can. It may feel really cool and impressive to tell people you're doing some really prestigious course but how much cooler would it be to tell people that you are following your dreams and are the happiest you've ever been? Don't fall into the OP trap - just because you got a 1 doesn't mean you have to do medicine. Be the person who gets a 1 and does dance or photography or game design. It doesn't matter what it is, just make sure it's something you want, and if you don't know what you want then definitely figure it out before diving into a law degree.
Saturday, 15 February 2014
Tomorrow
So, tomorrow it all begins. It's my first day of orientation and I am released into the wild world of university for the very first time. I must admit I'm not feeling quite as excited as maybe I should be, even though my first orientation event is a free pancake breakfast. Still, the prospect of university is kind of scary. I'm not sure if I'm ready to leave the warm, nurturing community of my high school. A couple of days ago I went back to school to give a brief address at an assembly and reconnect with my senior teachers and it reminded me of the close relationships I had with them. As a single student in a lecture hall of two hundred, I struggle to see how any comparable connections can be made at uni.
The whole place seems to me like a busy collective of disconnected individuals, there to simply do their work. Of course I'm sure it is a lot more than that and I've heard countless times that "you make your best friends for life at university" but somehow those words aren't sinking in just yet. I don't feel like a uni student, but I'm not a high school student either. I guess I've just grown accustomed to identifying myself as part of a group and now I'm just me - stuck in some weird transitional phase. I'm going from being a 'Senior' with authority and experience to being a clumsy first year who doesn't know what the hell is going on. I know that this is a step forward but somehow I feel like I'm taking five steps back.
I guess I'll find out tomorrow and chances are it will be great - nothing ever turns out to be as complicated as I make it out to be in my head. It's time to get out of the past and even if it feels way too soon, that seems to be how life operates.
A message for all the school kids out there - soak up every moment because though it may not seem like it, there are so few.
The whole place seems to me like a busy collective of disconnected individuals, there to simply do their work. Of course I'm sure it is a lot more than that and I've heard countless times that "you make your best friends for life at university" but somehow those words aren't sinking in just yet. I don't feel like a uni student, but I'm not a high school student either. I guess I've just grown accustomed to identifying myself as part of a group and now I'm just me - stuck in some weird transitional phase. I'm going from being a 'Senior' with authority and experience to being a clumsy first year who doesn't know what the hell is going on. I know that this is a step forward but somehow I feel like I'm taking five steps back.
I guess I'll find out tomorrow and chances are it will be great - nothing ever turns out to be as complicated as I make it out to be in my head. It's time to get out of the past and even if it feels way too soon, that seems to be how life operates.
A message for all the school kids out there - soak up every moment because though it may not seem like it, there are so few.
Wednesday, 5 February 2014
Preparation
As my first day of university draws closer an element of preparation is required. Basically this means spending a whole heap of money on stationary, textbooks, office computer software and I did manage to sneak some clothes and a new pair of shoes in there - hey, i've got to be comfy during those long lectures. With every painful purchase I think to myself "this is five hours of work;" however, let's not pretend I don't love to go home afterwards and look at my shiny new things - five hours isn't that bad, right?
One part of the preparation process that didn't require saying farewell to a large chunk of money was getting my new ID card. After putting on my best face of makeup, scouring the campus to find the right building and waiting briefly in line it was time to get my photo taken. Please, please let this be the the one ID photo that doesn't make me look like a boiled potato or a convict. A brief wait filled with low-to-moderate levels of suspense preceded the moment when my new card was handed to me. The result: pretty damn good, you know, considering. Is this the start of something new? "The Era of Good ID Photos."Okay, probably not, but we all have dreams. There was only one thing left to do - begin the emotional experience of removing my High School ID card from my wallet and replacing it with the new one. (Some say I'm overly sentimental). I used the new ID to buy a movie ticket later that night so I guess it's official - I'm a uni student now, or at least in the eyes of Event Cinemas.
Armed with my disturbingly expensive Kiki.K agenda, brown leather satchel, oversized hoodie and The ID Card I am ready to take on campus. Uni here I come!
One part of the preparation process that didn't require saying farewell to a large chunk of money was getting my new ID card. After putting on my best face of makeup, scouring the campus to find the right building and waiting briefly in line it was time to get my photo taken. Please, please let this be the the one ID photo that doesn't make me look like a boiled potato or a convict. A brief wait filled with low-to-moderate levels of suspense preceded the moment when my new card was handed to me. The result: pretty damn good, you know, considering. Is this the start of something new? "The Era of Good ID Photos."Okay, probably not, but we all have dreams. There was only one thing left to do - begin the emotional experience of removing my High School ID card from my wallet and replacing it with the new one. (Some say I'm overly sentimental). I used the new ID to buy a movie ticket later that night so I guess it's official - I'm a uni student now, or at least in the eyes of Event Cinemas.
Armed with my disturbingly expensive Kiki.K agenda, brown leather satchel, oversized hoodie and The ID Card I am ready to take on campus. Uni here I come!
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