Okay so I'm bad at this. We get it. To avoid a repetitive and redundant apology becoming the start of every post I'm just going to go ahead and make one apology for my poor commitment in the future and be done with it. I am sorry. Now, moving on.
So in my last post I mentioned getting a full time job at a call centre. Well it turns out that a call centre is not the most promising work environment for someone with social anxiety triggered by talking on the phone. Not quite sure how I didn't see that coming but anyway the call centre thing lasted for the two days of unpaid training and no more. I did manage to pick up another full time job a couple of weeks later in an office which was slightly more successful - that one lasted about three weeks. The thing is I realised something. I am seventeen. I am on a gap year. I am going back to uni. It is okay to have a part time job in fast food. It's okay to be where I am. I need to stop fighting it and actually realise how good I've got it. This is supposed to be my party year. I have a whole year of freedom before returning to a life of study and work and study and work. Why in the world would I waste that on some boring full time job that I don't care about and will ultimately get me nowhere closer to my desired career?
I am a person who finds comfort in the idea of working toward something. Throughout school I was always working for that magical OP and that magical university course. Well I achieved that and now I feel like my life is kind of on pause because there's nothing to focus on at the moment. But just because I don't have some kind of academic or career based goal doesn't mean I can't be doing anything meaningful. I want to have fun and spend time with friends and make a few memories and maybe even figure myself out a little more. But at the same time I need to stop picturing my life as a delicately edited montage with Edward Sharpe playing in the background. The obsession with film I've always had has left me with creativity but certainly with unrealistic expectations of life as well. That does't mean life can't be great, I sure as hell want more depth and complexity than a 40 second montage, it just might not have the same twinkle.
